Your shadow..

A month ago, our home was filled with laughter and cheer. Echoes of your joyful screams were at every nook and corner of the house. I remember waking up hoping you'd be up the same time... so we could start of our day  building memories together. often times, when I had to do chores, like running around to town and etc, you'd be by my side.. in fact you'd lead the way, and you'd kindly give me directions. knowing how terrible I am at directions. The fact that you are there right beside me, I feel safe! At times, I was feeling jittery especially when there were police road blocks around but your presence makes me calm.

Now, that you're not at home, I have to do this all on my own. I tend to wake up at my own pace these days. Usually, when you're at home, once I'm awake, I'd draw the curtains and irritate you to wake you up, you'll do the same to me too. I miss those!

Hachi and Tiger misses you a lot too! Hachi still looks around the house for you.. Today, when I drove in the car, before I could get down , Hachi hopped on me and he looked around in the car, but there were no sign of you being around. not even traces of you being around. The first night, when we came home, I knew and I could feel it - Hachi was crying. I could see it from his eyes. He was lying down in our hall silently.

Your absence is felt by everyone... with you around, the house is more cheerful and colorful. Today, the house is what I describe it as melancholy. I miss you so much! I relied on you so much, most of the things you'd do it for us.. like feeding the dogs, cleaning the house and etc. Now that you're away, I find it hard doing it on my own. I wished I could turn back the time once more.. and together we'd do those chores. I might have took those times for granted, knowing you'd still be there to do it and etc.. but now that' you're away.. it is really hard for me.

All those years, it was you experiencing all this. I left you for college, school and etc. as the elder one, I left home earlier than you did. I never felt it so much because right after I left home, I was always packed with school activities, college and etc. TODAY, I am feeling it ! I know what its like when your loved one, so dear to you are away. Sometimes, I feel you're right beside me. you're just there... subconsciously sometimes I do say out your name. Beginning, I used to say out your name quite a number of times, till mom and dad would tell me, " Karen, she's not here ".. and that would shake me back to reality.

The last night, watching you pack.. it killed me silently. I know you were sad, as you were going to leave home. I was sad too. I was really really sad. I just got back for my summer break, and now you're leaving..I kept myself occupied by reading my novel. It might have seemed to you that I din't care that you were leaving, or I was preoccupied with my stuff. but deep inside, I was breaking down, I was hurting.. I couldn't take you leaving me. It was too much for me. That night, when everyone was asleep, I was still lying down reading my novel in the other room. and when I got your text where you wrote " hey, can you sleep? ". I immediately rushed to your room, and lied next to you. We talked for a bit until you slept. When you fell asleep, I knew that would be the last time for a while we'd talk till one of us falls asleep. I cried silently, not wanting to disturb your beauty sleep.

The day we dropped you of at college was one of those miserable days of my life.The moment we arrived at your college, a sudden feeling of sadness ran down my spine. I was reluctant to get out of the car... in a little while, we'd have to part ways. and say good byes. walking you to your hostel, canteen and orientation hall.... seeing you with a gush of nervousness made me feel afraid. I was afraid if you could adapt to the new environment, if you'd have trouble , if you'd like it there. I was worried for you and I still am. Our goodbyes were short and abrupt! you were in the middle of your lecture, when dad decided we should leave. hence, we called you out , and mom and dad gave you a hug and said goodbye. I stood there, I was about to break down in front of you. I refrained myself from doing so..Mom let it out.. I could see it from your eyes, you were about to. I had to control myself, I had to! Or else, it'd be terrible... Hence, I said only a goodbye, without a hug. I knew , the moment I hugged you, I'd break down and that would make you feel worst.

When I entered the car, along the way to Thailand.. I broke down.. I regret not hugging you. I was crying.. just minutes ago you were sitting right next to me in the car, but now I'm alone at the back seat.. I cried for several nights. I did. You might not believe it, as I always appear as someone so emotionless in front of you. I always appear that way in front of you so you'd not get the picture, that I am vulnerable especially to emotions. when we got back from Thailand, I'm glad we managed to visit you once again. This time, we had a proper goodbye. I could see your eyes was filled with tears when we were parting.  you were sad. So were we! But the fact that we got to see you again, and talked to you, I felt a lot better... You told us about how you liked your orientation and etc.. I thank God that you liked it. and I pray you'd always like it there, and things will be smooth sailing for you. :)

I miss you Nirel.  You've been my dear little sister and always will! You've given me the courage to go through so many things in life. you've always been there for me! your maturity is admirable.I love you Nirel!
you are always in my prayers. God bless.